Our family were really enjoying putting food out for the birds. Most days we could get lots of little finches, robins, tits, crows, and some pigeons. It was idyllic. And then Melchett the woodpigeon started turning up.

Melchett is fecking enormous. Every time I put any bird seed in that bowl, they instantly land and eat as much of it as they can stuff into their enormous face. Thanks to the huge size no other bird can come near the food but even they can't finish all the bird seed in the bowl. So, once sated, Melchett then turns around and does a huge tennis-ball-sized shit into the remaining birdseed before lumbering into the sky. Truly, a bird for the times we live in.